im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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