I faked an abortion last night.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
