Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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