why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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