Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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