I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
