Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
