I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
