I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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