For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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