There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
