Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
