Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
