the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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