I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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