We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
