i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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