um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
