Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
