Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
