Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
