I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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