remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
