don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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