It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
