We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
