party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
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I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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