I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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