I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
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Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
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I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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