so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
