god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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