She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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