she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
