My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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