with your own penis?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
