I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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