I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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