I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
