Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
