last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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