The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
