i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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