planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
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I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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