Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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