today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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