Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
