I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
