I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
