i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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