Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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