why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
