i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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