She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
