Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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