Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
