you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
