OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
