I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
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My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
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Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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